Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize