You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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