I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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