it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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