I faked an abortion last night.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
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I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
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Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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