dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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