Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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