I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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