my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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