I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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