I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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