Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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