My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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