So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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