I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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