Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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