I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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