shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
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Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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