Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
