I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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