I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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