Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
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I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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