This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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