I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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