and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
