Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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