I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
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I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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