you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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