You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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