I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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