She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
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I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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