Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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