Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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