yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
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Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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