I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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