Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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