He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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