I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
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All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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