My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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