tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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