Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize