allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize