I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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