i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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