we have officially lost it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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