so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
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A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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