i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
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A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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