holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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