Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
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I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
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When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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