I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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